Monday, December 6, 2010
AB: Shay H Joseph
331 TRS/ FLT 064/ B8
I'm writing you to tell you that I'm moving on. Which may or may not mean anything to you, but honestly that is beside the point. Writing this letter to you is more for my sake, and pretty much has less to do with you receiving it and more about me writing it. You see I am a true master at not dealing with things. I'm sure you could see that, I'm not fooling anyone so I'm not going to fool myself anymore. I push all the hurts and the scars and the less than lovely things into deep recesses in my mind to forget about. That is until something small and insignificant arises that reminds me of whatever it is tucked away into those neat little boxes in my mind turning me into a complete mess once again. I can never move forward because of the letter you wrote me
a couple years back. Remeber this because, thats all you can do:
Babe, I want you, no I need you and it kills me that I cant have you! I just miss that feeling when I used to talk to you til three in the morning and fall asleep and then I would wake up with a message from you telling me goodmorning... I miss those smiles that I used to get when I talked to you... I miss "us"... it hurts trying to move on when there is nothing to move on too knowing that your the only one for me! I miss helping you with your grammar (spelling) :)... I know I changed you a lot but I think you changed me a lot more! I'm a lot happier now, more dedicated to what I do, more focused in school, I think a lot differently, You make me feel needed, I know someone who loves me for me (you), i feel like I'm on top of the world and its all cause of you, when in reality I don't have you with me and I can't seem to figure out why god would do this. Why can't I have you with me???
It's cause I can't stop thinking about you.. When I'm at school I forget who I'm talking to and accidently call them Isabel, and it makes me realize you are everything to me, you are someone I can love and be loved in return I can talk to you about anything, I trust you with my life, your the one who will always be there for me. And someone like that is hard to find and when I finally find her I can't feel the warmth of her lips on my lips, I can't feel me being held in her arms, I lay in my bed at night wishing you were there just so I could cuddle with you and hold you in my arms, I can't look you in your beautiful eyes, I can't hold your hand, I can't hurt anybody who hurts you, you can't cry on my shoulder if your having problems at home or in general! And I just wish this were all possible even if it were only for a heartbeat it would be worth it!!
What we have is far more than love and trying to exlpain it is like trying to explain space! This life is just so unfair. Why can't we have our happily ever after?
I love what you wrote to me very much! It's the most amazing thing that you have ever said to me. I have the chance to be with someone good. Someone who is genuine and has the time and patience to deal with a girl like me. Someone who I believe I can open up to, and not use whatever I say against me. I've realized that I need to learn to love the things that are good for me, and he might very well be one of those things. So in order to not fuck up this beautiful opportunity for happiness, I need to deal with us. Here I go...
I do not know why I feel attached to you. It's not like we were together very long. And it's not like we were even together. maybe it was the first night with you. The time we spend talking all night and open up with you. Let you into my life. It was the fact that I did not feel afraid at all with you. You made me feel safe in your arms, like nobody can do anything because you were protecting me.
I think that was when I unconsciously gave you my heart. Because it wasn't about us, it was about me and my brokenness, it was about the well being of my soul and you cared about that. That's what made you different than the others. I tried to tell myself that you loved me. Because I know how to love my self completly to fall in love with me because if I don't fall in love withi me, who will?. It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me. And I'm not even sure if I know how but I'll do my best. I thought maybe that closure was the answer. But I don't even think this idea of closure even exists.
"Closure" is just a term created by people so they can ask the same questions over and over hoping that someday they might get a different answer. I don't need any answers. I never really understood why you didn't want me anymore, and perhaps I never will, but that doesn't really matter. Because the fact is that you didn't want me anymore. And all I can do is accept that. And I do, I accept that. I'm not going to forget about you. That's not my goal here. My goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned about myself and the things I learned from you, about people, family and life without feeling the pain that goes a long with these kinds of things.
So finally, this is me moving on. This is me wishing you well in whatever you pursue. This is me wishing you joy and happiness. And to one day, perhaps, being friends. Take care!
"Dear God the only thing I ask of you is to hold him when I'm not around"
-Willow* Isabella FH